Cold
by Asher77
Summary: Without giving too much away this is my take on why Olivia flew off the handle at Alex for dropping that case like a hot potato. Spoiler alert for Perverted.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Cold  
**Disclaimers:** I don't own anything and no money is being made. Just took Dick's characters out for a little drive.  
**Rating: M Angst. Really dark place. Be warned that this isn't a happy tale.**  
**Pairings:** A/O  
**Summary: **Without giving too much away this is my take on why Olivia flew off the handle at Alex for dropping that case like a hot potato.

~Olivia~

Tired, so very tired and cold. I am numb inside almost all the time except when I am not. Those moments are marked with raging emotions that batter me down until there is nothing left to salvage. I feel like I am coming to the end. The glass in my hand holds only water because even now I will be damned before I become my mother. But then I am already damned and have been living in hell all my life. Occasionally, I have been allowed a glimpse of happiness. I have tasted joy a few times. The first was after my childhood when I emancipated myself from my mother's care. That was a clear moment of happiness. Knowing I wouldn't be coming home to the yelling, the screaming, or the broken bottles that you would use to lunge at me with. The hope that lived inside me that eventually in time I would be able to find peace. That feeling, that joy, it didn't last long.

At least I was already in college. I had graduated high school three full years before I should have and was already through my first two years of college when I struck out on my own at sixteen. The necessity of finding a means to pay for college and a dorm was offset mostly by the college scholarship I had received. Leaving me to scramble to try to find enough money to pay for my everyday items and needs such as food. The second space in time when I was happy occurred when I fell in love. It is too bad that she deceived me at every point so that when I found myself in her bed, in a position of trust all I found was pain. That is when hard noosed Benson was born. Later to become Detective Benson who worked tirelessly for the victims of New York. That Benson was content until one day she met an ADA. Cabot broke through my barriers and pulled me kicking and screaming to the surface of the glacial lake that had been my existence.

Then she "died" and I went to hell. I lost everything that had held me stable. She had made me real again, made me believe in love again, made me feel again and left me. She took the raw clay that I was and sculpted out a new person that was vibrant and wonderfully alive. With her I was beautiful and I died that night right along with her former life, leaving me a husk that waited to see if she would ever return. But as time would tell, not only was she done with me but when she returned what remained for me was a bitter imposter that had taken up residence in my Alex's body. One that had been around for years and had avoided me avoided letting me know she was alive. Side stepped being the prosecutor that could have made a difference, one that would have fought to allow me to have my day in court with my attacker. She had abandoned me when I needed her the most, just like she abandoned that girl when it seemed her job was at stake.

My world is in flames. My name had been cleared and I was days away from officially being back to Detective Olivia Benson, the avenging "Angel "of the 1-6 according to the Ledger and to the victims that come through our door seeking out someone to help them every day. However, the damage is done. Being even partially incarcerated has brought back unpleasant memories for me. The smell of that cage where I was held, and suddenly once again I am not in control of what happens to my body. I can't stand the feeling of confinement, and even worse than knowing that those slime balls in IAB have looked at me hard enough to know about the counseling sessions as well as the group therapy. It makes me sick to know that my life has been so laid open to the world at large.

Looking out my apartment window I am left wondering what its all been for. All my sacrifices, all the horror I have been immersed in day in and day out. I wonder why I did it. Why I had to hurt myself this way. That obsession with seeing what my mother must have gone through has been killing me slowly since I first decided to take this job. I wonder if my mother knew that it would and in a rare moment of kindness pleaded with me to take another job. Or if maybe she had just not wanted me to see her as she had been before she donned the mask of an alcoholic. The possibilities that would have been there for her, had it not been for me, futures that could have been brighter.

Why does the phone not stop ringing! Don't you know I am _tired_? Leave me alone with your demands for my attention. My head is screaming as I make my way slowly to my desk. I am not even allowed to work yet so it couldn't possibly be important. I think back on where I had my epiphany on my mother's life.

Sealview is where I had my education. That place where I truly learned what my mother had been through. Sure, the official report is that I found nothing. When faced with an investigation that proved the state so completely responsible for at the very least several million dollar lawsuits it's not really a surprise that the record states that while the investigators turned up several questions regarding procedure no specific complaints could be validated. After all I do work for the government and that part of my report detailing what really happened before my supposed rescue by Fin was dismissed as not having enough proof.

The gutless wonder of an ADA that we had at the time when you should have been there told me in no uncertain terms that I had no case and couldn't make a complaint because of the lack of physical evidence. Evidence which had been meticulously destroyed before they allow me to crawl out of that hell hole of a prison three days later. You know after the TB exposure had been cleared up. The ridiculous hour shower I was made to take where the guard responsible for raping me got to put his hands all over my body while I was scrubbed clean in the freezing cold water. The days I was held in solitary confinement without Fin while they were "processing" my release. All of that to then be told I had no case was ludicrous. Leaving just one person suspicious, our beloved M.E., who wondered how I could possibly have known to ask our young witness that very specific question.

Flashbacks. I had been getting better. I was controlling the shakes and my life was slowly coming back into focus, back to the calm depths of still water. I had begun to believe that I would be okay. That I would make it through all of this, only to be put in that cage again. Then have my personal problems aired out like the dirty laundry it is. To have to look at that smug son of a bitch investigator while he asked me about why I go to counseling outside of the department. His eyes that clearly stated it was my own fault. What kills me though is that in a way he is right. If I had just found another way to find out who was hurting that girl, if I had just not put myself into the situation none of this would have happened. Had I just had a little more self preservation instead of self destruction I never would have seen the inside of that cell.

Cold my body feels so very cold. I am glad it's a gray day out, the slight drizzle of rain that is falling, it seems fitting. It feels like the right time, to let it all go. The pill cases next to me are empty and I feel so tired. Slipping into sleep would finish it I know. I should just close my eyes and let it all go…


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Undone  
**Disclaimers:** I don't own anything and no money is being made. Just took Dick's characters out for a little drive.  
**Rating: M** **Angst. Really dark place. Be warned that this isn't a happy tale.  
Pairings:** A/O

~Alex~

Pacing, I call her number once more wondering why she isn't answering. I know Olivia lives next to her phone and no amount of sleep deprivation could keep her from waking up. I wonder if I have waited to long. Let too many things not said pass between us. Let too much time go by from when I last really saw her and this angry person I have allowed myself to become. Even now I can feel the anger boiling up within. I hope that hiring Langon shows her that I still care. Though we are going to have a serious talk. How she could possibly acquiesce me of letting a victim hang for my job is something I am planning on blasting her about. Angry or not though I knew I couldn't let my Olivia go down without a fight.

Hanging up the phone I shoot a look around. Keys, I need my keys. Scrambling to grab them from my desk I wonder why it is suddenly so important for me to talk to her. My skin feels tight with need. Like some internal alarm clock has gone off and I simply must see her. I have always wanted her. Since the moment I first met me I knew I had to have her. That fury in her eyes brought an answering passion I felt deep inside my groin and I knew that I had to have her. What Alex wants she gets or at least that was how I lived my life before I died.

Running down the hallway I take the stairs. The thought comes to mind that the elevator isn't quick enough. The problem is when I came back it occurred to me that I couldn't lose her again. It had killed that spark that was inside me when I had to leave her. Better to never need someone so badly again I talked myself into believing. So I refused to let her back in when I returned. A mistake I intend on fixing starting right now. When I find her. She has to be home its not like they would let her back to work so soon after clearing her name.

Keys in the ignition and I am pulling out into traffic. Pulsing behind every movement is a urgent call. Getting stronger every second I am not in her presence. I tap my blue-tooth and voice command dial her number again. I know I have a lot to explain. Robert and Jim just one of many things that you and I need to talk to you about. A part of me, the part that never stopped loving you can't believe some of my actions since I got back. Looking back on it in retrospect I can see I was determined to deny myself what I really needed. I couldn't allow myself to believe that everything wouldn't be stripped from me again. Time went by and it occurred to me too much had passed for it to ever be right. That any attempt to reassemble my old life would be seen as to little too late. How do you explain that you were in town but couldn't bring yourself to pick up the phone. Where are you Olivia? I swear to God if you don't pick up your phone soon I am going to scream.

Finally I am on her street. Why does parking have to be such a chore when everything in me is demanding that I get to her apartment now. Damn you Olivia, why won't you just answer me. When I finally saw her again for the first time it was like every wall I had created, every part of me I had walled off from her crumbled. So to keep her at distance I started criticizing her work. It was "better" for us both I had convinced myself. Now as I am shutting my door I wonder if it wasn't just the easiest for me. Still no answer at either her phone or the damn buzzer.

Following a neighbor up I stand in front of your door. I raise my hand to knock and when that garners no response I try a little harder. Suddenly I am pounding on it wondering when you are going to at least come yell at me to hold my horses or what's so fucking important counselor. That's all you've called me since I waltzed back into your life. In my head though I still see you smiling at me, the soft look of love in your eyes as you lay awake just staring at me. God Olivia I have made a real mess of everything. I was given a second chance and I have squandered it thus far. No more. I wont do this anymore I promise myself. I have to at least confront you. I have to at least try even if all I gain from putting myself out there is the knowledge of my attempt it will be worth it. Knowing that I have stopped being a coward and tried to get what has always been most important to me back into my life has to at least mean something. Maybe then I will really be back.

Why are you still not answering! I pull out my keys and take the chance that you never changed your locks. Silently I berate myself when I realize that this door has always been waiting for me to cross it. Slowly now, because something is yelling that I should be afraid of what I find on the other side of this door. Its so dark in here. Olivia why do you have it so dark? You were always one to leave some form of light on. I flip on the light switch and I see you. Slumped over your desk. I walk over towards you and while I am moving I notice little things that are cataloged as out of place. You're so still you must be barely breathing.

And it hits me.

Oh God.

Olivia are you breathing???

Running, suddenly I am next to you. The crumpled piece of paper next to you just says Elliot, it makes me angry to see his name here and now. Offended that even in what you had hope to be your final moments you knew only he cared enough to find you. My hands are shaking as I place my fingers on your carotid artery … God what have I done

Please

Olivia

Please

…pulse…

Sobbing no, please no! I dial 911. This is my fault, I have done this to you and I know it. I talk to the operator and as they are sending someone I pump your stomach trying to force the poison you have ingested out of your mouth.

"Liv, sweetheart can you hear me."  
"Liv."  
"Come on baby wake up"  
"Wake up damn you!"  
"…wake up… please… please don't do this to me Liv, you have to wake up…"

~end~


	3. Chapter 3

_***Beep* Beep*Beep***_

I place my hand softly over yours giving it a gentle caress. It looks so pale and thin, weak. Colors I have never before associated with you. Your normal olive skin has lost all it's lustier under these harsh lights. Faded away, just as you are slowly fading away from me. I can feel it, underneath it all there is a subtle current that is threatening to pull you away with every moment I am not here with you. I still haven't had the courage to read your last words to me. To us I should say, for even as I am sitting here dying day by day so too is your partner falling into his own abyss. I don't think anyone really knew how much you kept him together.

Today, though, I have your note. Today I am going to read it, I promise myself that this time I am going to actually open it and try to understand. They say grief has stages and I have been stuck in the angry section for a long time now. Sighing I remember a song and it sings to me of you.

_It's been seven hours and three hundred and fifteen days  
Since you took your love away  
I go out every night and sleep all day  
Since you took your love away  
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want  
I can see whomever I choose  
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant  
But nothing ...  
I said nothing can take away these blues,  
'Cause nothing compares ...  
Nothing compares to you _

Watching your chest rise and fall I finally I gather my courage and look at what you had to say. Oh god Olivia you have been so alone. Why didn't I see it? Reading about how many ways I had failed you leaves me frozen inside. I can hear your accusations through the pages. A rage overcomes me when I read about your rape. When I hear the confirmation to all the digging I have done over the last year. That feeling quickly fades and is replaced by anguish as I accept my role in all of this. I finally have it the proof of my crime. Loud and clear I get the message.

Abandoned…

Alone…

I guess I know what that's like now.

_It's been so lonely without you here  
Like a bird without a song  
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling  
Tell me baby where did I go wrong?  
I could put my arms around every girl I see  
But they'd only remind me of you  
went to the doctor guess what he told me  
Guess what he told me?  
He said, girl, you better have fun  
No matter what you do  
But he's a fool ...  
'Cause nothing compares ...  
Nothing compares to you ..._

I took over the cost of your health care you know. I won't let you just go. Not without whatever fight I can put up. I don't want to live this life alone without you Olivia. You were supposed to be there when I get sworn in as the DA. We were supposed to have the house the dog and the 2.5 children together. We were supposed to grow old together.

_All the flowers that you planted, mama  
In the back yard  
All died when you went away  
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard  
But I'm willing to give it another try  
'Cause nothing compares ...  
Nothing compares to you_

Silently I start to plead with you. Come back to me Olivia. I close my eyes as more tears start to fall. Please I know you are in there you just have to wake up for me baby. I promise whatever hurdles we have to jump this time I'll be there for you. I won't let you fall again.

Please Olivia

Please…

Placing my hand over my eyes I almost didn't hear it.

"…alex…?"


	4. Chapter 4

"…alex…?"

Stilling where I sat my head slowly makes its way up to look at you. You're mumbling, but your eyes are still closed.

"Liv baby, open your eyes let me see you." Hope and fear are ruling me as I wait to see if you respond to my demand.

The monitors are recording an increase in your heart rate. Your eyebrows dip as I see you struggling. Confusion appears across your features and falteringly your eyes open. I see them. Those beautiful chocolate orbs that have been haunting me for so long are finally alive and vibrant. Your personality is slowly filling them up. It's true what they say about eyes being windows to the soul and you have had shutters over yours for so long that I never even noticed until now when they are gone. Shock, fear, and disappointment are just a few of the emotions flowing through them.

My eyes are feasting on you, drinking in their first sight in so long. Like a starving beggar that has just been offered ambrosia hungrily I watch you. A vision I was sure in the back of my mind, in the depths of my heart I would never see. I had consigned myself to watching you slip away slowly until I would be forced to concede that you were in fact gone. A little sob escapes me as I feel the tension and pain of the last year crash around me. Tears flowing steadily now and I let them just fall, determined not to allow myself to hide from you anymore. I see you look around then your eyes settle on me.

"Alex" I see shame cross your features"…I'm so sorry."

You voice is so coarse from disuse but still the best melody I have ever listened to.

"Later baby, we'll work everything out in time." I respond knowing that right now we both just need to focus on the here and now.

I press the call button to bring in the experts so we can begin your recovery. The physical is going to take time to put right, but it's the emotional that I have serious concerns about. Terrified that all this King's horses and men won't be able to put all the pieces together again. I am determined though. I can't live through another year like this last. I sternly tell myself that I will not allow any other outcome to transpire. You will get better I firmly state in my mind, making it a command.

The nurse comes into the room shocked to see her patient awake for the first time. She scurries around checking monitors and vitals, then leaves to get the doctor.

Weakly you ask, "How long?"

"Too long Liv."Tiredly I duck my head down then look directly back into your eyes. "You are never to do this to me again do you understand?"

A slow nod is my only answer and I see the hesitancy behind it and fury overwhelms me as I see that you are still thinking about ways out.

Sharply I speak. "I mean it Olivia!" I am glaring at you now. Allowing my eyes to harden and convey that you are never going to go down this path again.

Tears are running from your eyes. "I'm sorry Alex. I'm sorry." You're sobbing now and I gather you up into my arms. Through the pain I can't help but think that this feels so good. Having you here awake and in my arms where you belong.

"Its okay sweetheart we'll figure it all out, in time."

"You promise?"

The desperation and child like tone of your voice undoes another part of my heart. You are so fragile. So beautiful, and I hasten to assure you.

"Yes Liv. I promise. I won't let you fall again. I swear it Olivia. I will never again let you down."

The next few hours are given over to the health professionals as they poke and prod you. Almost a full year of inactivity has left your muscles with some atrophied even with the constant exercise they put you through while you slept. So the first step is to get you moving. Your mental state can't be ignored either and the doctors are skeptical on how stable you are. Not that I blame them I am sure you're not at all stable. So I tell them I'll get you all the help you need.

Holding you close, "everything will be all right Liv" rocking you in my arms a little as I assure us both. "You'll see."

This is the start, the beginning that will start us down the road toward a future that up till now I had all but given up on living. Fiercely I hold onto that picture, that destiny that I will make sure will fulfill itself. We belong to one another now and forever. I bury my nose into your hair and breath you in. Now and always.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimers: **Most important I am not a Psychologist/Psychiatrist and therefore have no idea what I am talking about. Any information contained within this piece shouldn't be taken too seriously as I am not a trained professional.

~Olivia's POV~

"All right Olivia; let's talk about your PTSD. Would you be open to a new form of treatment?" Lisa asks with an earnest expression on her face.

"Would it really be able to help?" My skepticism is showing through.

"I believe so. In the past we would treat depression in order to better control anxiety, but new studies have found that treating anxiety first has a lasting effect on depression. If we can control your PTSD and work through the anxiety we should have a better handle on your overall depression." The kind expression on her face and in her eyes is enough to make me want to at least want to try.

"Ok I guess."

So here I am in therapy. My therapist … has anyone really looked at that word, the-rapist makes you wonder what all those mental health care professionals really think of their job. Ah yes that wonderful sense of humor I have been hammered with lately, sarcasm at its finest.

EMDR, what will these doctors think of next. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, I won't pretend to understand it all but the basics are that by using sound and sensory input and targeting an event that causes a "reaction" all in order to get the mind to desensitize the memories. What am I getting myself into?

It's not that I don't think Lisa knows what she's doing, she truly seems to think that this will work for me but she is just one of the headshrinkers I have on my "team" and they are putting me through my paces. One to teach me how to deal with acute anxiety that I suffer, one to deal with childhood abuse, one to treat depression, and of course one to work on my PTSD. It is daunting to think that I am going to have to open to so many different people. What happened to one stop shopping, it seems like everyone is going to specialization and I am not sure that's a good thing because of being more informed about an issue or if it's a horrible thing based on the need for so many different types of problems.

Then I think of Alex. How she has steadily been there for me over the last few weeks. The despair written all over her when she talks about having watched over me for the last year lying in a bed in the hospital and thinking I would never wake up. Her terror upon finding me at my home not knowing if I would even live as my pulse was hardly there. Then finally working up the courage and reading my letter, the one that she believes shows exactly how much my mental situation was her fault. It's garbage of course but I can't seem to get her to believe that as an adult my state of well being is in my hands. I knew I was depressed and I knew I should have gotten help, but I was just tired of it all. Tired of trying and that is what she doesn't understand. She said, "maybe you wouldn't have been so drained had someone been there for you ." Someone like her who had promised they would be there. I tried to explain that there is no guaranty that if things had been different that I wouldn't have done the same thing. Her only reply is that she'll never know and that is what haunts her at night.

So we struck a bargain. I would see all these people so long as she would see someone as well. I can tell that she wanted to argue, but I wasn't going to let her go down my all too familiar path of self destruction. That oubliette of despair should never have a hold on her. Besides maybe someone else can get her to see that she's not responsible for me. I don't want to be a burden on her but if there is one thing that is clear to me after all of this is that she refuses to leave my side. Which in my more honest moments I can admit that brings me more comfort that anything else.

The pain and disappointment that is in her eyes every time she looks at me hammers home that it wasn't just me that got hurt. I can't stand it. So even though I don't care if I get better for me I am willing to try for her. It just seems like a mountain that I will never be able to traverse. Yet I am going to try. I don't want to hurt her again.

We haven't talked about the past yet. I don't know what was going through her mind over the last few years. She has a decided advantage in that department as all of my feelings and thoughts were laid out bare for the world to see. In its own way that's more embarrassing than my attempted suicide. I suppose if I were to ever try that again I wouldn't leave a note on the off chance I would have to live through the aftermath again.

I haven't decided to really try to live yet. I suppose that's the biggest obstacle in my path at the moment. This apathy towards life in general means that while I am going through the motions I am not really present and accounted for. Life is hazy and I do wonder if that is because of my own perceptions or if it's a by product of the medication I am on. Either way I can't seem to get too worked up over anything at the moment.

Lisa's half-hour with me is up and I make my way back to my room. They don't quite let me out of the hospital yet. Between the physical and mental therapy it's actually more convenient for me to stay put. I have a private room and I am not locked up in the suicide ward for which I have Alex to thank I am sure.

Is it odd to think of her as my knight in shining armor? It is ridiculous to put so many expectations on just one person I know. It has to be tiring for her, yet all I ever see is patients from her. How long until the strain gets to her? How long before she leaves. I can't help but to think sooner or later she'll give up, after all even I got tired of myself.


	6. Chapter 6

**Title:** Flames

**Disclaimers:** I don't own Olivia or Alex. No profit is involved with this creation of fan fiction. I do own the poetry.

**Rating: MA**

**Summary:** Read and find out

~Olivia~

So here I am. Forcing my memories out loud, making it more real … more vivid and the ache inside is more than I can bare. It's better to feel something as opposed to nothing right? It's better to feel miserable than to be empty. It must be because everyone says this is progress. That this is living, yet I can't help but think the barren world I lived in was safer. These feelings, I can't stop them and it feels like every moment is spent remembering things that I never wanted to think about much less speak about. How do I go on feeling like I am going to explode at any moment? How does anyone survive these emotions?

It starts in the pit of my stomach, a churning, queasy feeling that makes it hard to breath. Then panicked breaths that heighten how lightheaded my mind has become, through it all the voices of things past whispering their remembered images and bringing it all to life once more.

…_flames_

_Ablaze_

…_within the confines of my mind_

_Whispering_

…_taunting_

_Tormenting_

…_of times long since past_

_Pictures_

…_memories_

_Moments_

…_burning me with their images_

_Leaving me to wonder when the fire will be put out._

What is this life that I am leading? Why is it so hard just to go on? It shouldn't be like this where one half of me is at war with the other fighting over the belief that I deserve to suffer this way. Those voices, if I can believe them, paint me as the one at fault. They taunt me with what might have been, and _if only_ becomes the vocabulary in which everything is laid out as to exactly why I am to blame.

Yet there is a new voice struggling to be heard amid the crowd. This one cautions hope. It urges me to let the others go. It says it's not my fault. That voice I know doesn't belong to me. It belongs to her and I can't help but wonder how it is I began to hear it. Yet it's so quiet I don't always hear it over all the accusations in my mind.

Lisa is looking at me like she knows this battle is taking place within in me. Silently she urges me on, and then she says it. After all this time that I have been with her.

"Olivia, it's not your fault."

"I know." I mumble.

"No you don't. But I am going to tell you, it's not your fault."

"You don't understand."

"I do. I understand everything, and all of it, it's not your fault."

She's getting closer to me physically and I feel my space being invaded. I want her to go away. I want her to come closer. My body is trembling with conflicting signals. Shaking me with the war that is raging inside and just like that … for the moment … the battle is won.

Tears are rolling down my face. The relief from guilt is deafening, but I am crying because I know this moment will not last. The brief time I have of letting it go will only be measured in minuets maybe hours then the flames will return to roast my heart and mind. I don't even realize when I started sobbing. Then she is there. Holding me and there is comfort in her embrace yet it's not the arms I wanted but I can't bring myself to push her away.

After I have calmed down, too exhausted to continue the fight she speaks to me about how well I am doing. Then she says words I have alternately been waiting and dreading to hear at the same time.

"I think we are almost ready to get you back to the real world."

Oddly a feeling of almost happiness flows over me and just as quickly terror replaces everything else.

_You know what this means_ sneers a voice in my head; you have to talk to her. Alex Cabot. I've avoid and yet depended on you for the last six months. She has come to visit me every day, and yet I never speak to her. I take such comfort in her being there even as she pleads with me to talk to her.

Later that evening she walks in smile lighting up her face. She takes her normal seat right next to me clasps my hand within her own.

"They tell me I get to take you home soon."

And for the first time in what feels like forever I finally say something.

"Where is home? I don't have a job; I don't even have an apartment anymore. I have no idea what I am going to do with myself."

It's not what I wanted to say to you, but it's all that will come out.

"Liv, your home is with me. As for the rest you'll work it out one day at a time." Her smile has gotten even wider and I wonder at its cause. I want to scream at her, don't you see I am broken! That I'll always be broken in this way!?

"Alex," I say looking into her azure eyes "you have done so much for me already. I really couldn't impose on you anymore."

Those blue eyes of yours twinkle even more. Looking into I can almost imagine that you know something I don't.

"Let's not argue about it hmm? We've done so well and you have come so far for just once in your life can you let someone put you first. Let someone be responsible for helping you? Please Olivia; let me be there for you this time."

So earnest … so sincere … so very you.

I really only have once choice and that is to aqueous to your request. I find myself nodding in agreement and I wonder if this is another skill they taught you in law school. I always knew winning an argument with you would be next to impossible but this complete caving on my part can only mean I wanted you to win. Is that really so terrible, that I want to believe for just right now, that you can make everything all right again?

I sigh and suddenly I can't bring myself to look you in the eye anymore. Even though the landscape I find in them are more beautiful that an Ansel Adams portrait. The depths of your soul that can be charted by those orbs are not worthy of my perusal.

Alex.


	7. Chapter 7

~Alex~

Another day in a seeming endless slew of them, time ticking by like a great metronome and making me wonder if that's how it's supposed to be keeping pace.

She won't talk to me. It's been months, and all she does is sit staring off into space when I come to visit her. Yet when she thinks I am not looking I catch her looking at me and I know she wants me there. I don't know exactly how to keep moving us forward. I know right now you need to work out everything that is going on inside. I have to be careful not to allow you to become so dependent on me that we fall into the ever so popular codependent relationship. That's what I've been doing. I have kept up my end of the bargain and I have been seeing someone. It helps and as much as I don't want to admit it you were right to make me have to go. It has helped, and oddly I think in ways that I didn't originally anticipate. I still feel guilty for ignoring you all those years. I feel horrid that I wasn't there for you when you so odiously needed me. I don't think that that particular guilt will ever leave me. So this is it, I can move on from that place yet I know I'll never forget. I am ready Olivia to give you my best now and you have only seen a small percentage of that.

Time keeps flying by and I am wondering if you'll ever be fully yourself again, if you will ever be ready to face the world head on and to move out within it. I can tell you have gotten comfortable here. It's not paradise but it is safe. It worries me to see how resigned you have become. I can only go by what they tell me which isn't very much yet it feels like you just don't have any fight left in you to get better. Liv, please honey you have to try. You promised me you would.

I love you and I know you feel alone. I know you feel isolated by your experiences and maybe even this latest move. But damn it Olivia don't I have a right to be happy too? Don't you owe me enough to try as hard as you can to not let this beat you? I know you've been through so much honey but please just keep trying if not for you, if not for me then what the future might have been. Don't you know by now that it doesn't matter how alone you feel you affect more than just yourself with your choices. I still wake up screaming your name at night sure that you are really dead and I am left without you. God help me sometimes I am so angry at you for what you tried to do that I can hardly keep it all in, and sometimes I am so very thankful that you are still with me I just want to weep.

Above all those feeling though is the knowledge of how lucky I am because if you hadn't survived Liv neither would I have. You want to believe that no one cares that much for you that you are all by yourself in this world but no one lives in a vacuum. Your attempted suicide has affected more people than you could have ever imagined. People I am sure every day you just said a kind word to, or maybe you smiled at them at just the right time, but the outcome is that so many people were sitting in that lobby as we all waited to hear if you were going to live. People I to this day don't know the name of. So you see Olivia you are important to more people than you'll ever know.

The months have blended into one another as I calmly wait you out. The family sessions we have are heartbreaking to me because even here you won't say anything to me. Like you're trying to see how much longer I'll keep coming around. In some ways it makes me want to laugh, oh Liv I am certainly more stubborn than you. I'm not going anywhere. I am thankful though that you signed the ROI (release of information) and let me be kept up to date on your progress. That alone lets me know you really don't want me to go. Lisa has been so helpful these last six months and I am so glad that I found her. Lately I've seen more life from you, more emotions. Even though I am certain you aren't convinced that this is a good thing day by day I feel more confident that you will make your way back to me. Please come back to me Liv I need you.

Lisa gave me some wonderful news today. You let yourself feel. You had a moment when the world wasn't at bay and came alive. I wish I could have seen it; even your tears at this point would have been beautiful. I wish I could have been the one to hold you, but never mind that. Your doctor thinks you are ready to step outside. Ready to start facing the everyday challenges again that life throws at us all. I feel like shouting from the roof tops.

I quickly run up the stairs. Humming under my breath I round the corner and let myself into your room.

"They tell me I get to take you home soon." A simple statement and I can see the fear in your eyes as you think about it.

"Where is home? I don't have a job; I don't even have an apartment anymore. I have no idea what I am going to do with myself." I can see you trembling from here and I yearn to reach out to hold you. Yet I have learned never to touch you without your permission.

And in this moment all I can see is you…

So terrified … so beautiful… so very alive.

"Liv, your home is with me. As for the rest you'll work it out one day at a time."

"Alex, you have done so much for me already. I really couldn't impose on you anymore."

I can't help the goofy smile that breaks out on my face as I think about moving on to the next step. Yes I know it's just one of many but it gives me more hope than I have felt in a long time. You are trying and that most of all brings me wondrous joy as I was almost convinced you would never truly endeavor to feel again.

"Let's not argue about it hmm? We've done so well and you have come so far for just once in your life can you let someone put you first. Let someone be responsible for helping you? Please Olivia; let me be there for you this time."

I have to get through to her now, and even though I am arguing with her I can't help but be ecstatic at the conversation. Her melodious voice caresses my ears soothing something inside that has been on a knife edge for a long time.

Olivia you don't have to be afraid I'm here. I will always be here so long as you let me. Don't push me away now please…

Elation courses though me now as I see you bob your head in agreement. That's it that's my girl. You'll see we'll get everything set to rights. I just know it. Today is the first day of Olivia Benson's new life. I plan on making it as delectation as I possibly can.

Olivia.


	8. Chapter 8

_Authors Note: _Special thanks to Azure Adams without whom this work of fiction wouldn't be half as good! Thanks for all the encouragement and advice!

~Alex~

The night is dark but the city lights give off a soft glow that warms my apartment. Slowly I make my way over to the spare bedroom in my home. Our home I should say. That thought makes me smile, for all the trials and tribulations we have been through, and for all the ones to come at last I have you home. It comforts me having you here. It's something I was sure would never come to pass.

I peak into your room and sure enough there you are, sleeping soundly for now. The lights before that had made it possible for me to navigate the penthouse in the dark illuminate you. Giving an ethereal glow to your skin, like some goddess from above come to rest. You're so beautiful. It makes the breath catch in my throat to look at you. For the thousandth time I can feel the tears well up behind my eyes. That anyone could have hurt you so is beyond me. I can't understand it. I am grateful for that I don't want to understand how the mind of a monster operates.

Your mother should have been overjoyed that such an angel had come to rest in her care. I understand not being able to cope with your issues, but she should have protected you from everything including herself. Ah there it is that burning anger that has lived inside me whenever I remember some of the things you have had to try to overcome. Yet you are climbing that mountain. One day soon you'll be at the top and I will be there waiting.

It's been hard for both of us. Hard for you to voice what's going on behind your eyes in our family sessions and just as hard for me to listen. Yet each moment in time, each unveiled mystery brings its own relief. I know, not imagine, what has happened. The truth IS hard but allowing my imagination to run wild with suppositions is worse. Being able to be there for you makes it all worth it though. Holding your hand while it trembles, wiping away the tears as they fall, crushing you into my body when you are feeling broken, holding you while you gather up the pieces and fit back together, these all make everything we have been through together worthwhile as it brings us closer to each other. Brings you closer to me, Olivia I will always be here for you just have to reach out.

_~Olivi_a~

The world keeps on turning and it doesn't matter if I should want it to turn or stop. Consequently I keep turning and moving on and for once I am glad of that. Over the last few months I have felt my sanity slip, overwhelmed by emotions held in check for too long. Its felt like I've run a gauntlet of feelings from anger, sadness, fear, and the one that still keeps plaguing me and has been the hardest challenge to my heart … shame. That feeling has been my own personal demon and it's been hell to try to put in perspective. It haunts my every move and whispers the loudest in my ear. It sets off all those other feelings, triggering them like a well oiled machine producing guilt like a manufacturer. I can see the sign "On sale today _Guilt_ buy now experience the full range of human emotions!"

There I go. Amusement and self depreciating humor is one of my crutches I know. Hiding again, *sigh* when will I ever learn? That's all right though; at least I recognize a defense mechanism when I think one. Ha!

Alex has been wonderful, I would say more fantastic than I deserve but at the least I have come to the resounding conclusion that she wants to be here with me, and more that that feels that I deserve her. So I've giving up arguing the point. She wants to be here, and really I can admit now that I want her here too. So why argue when I am getting what I want. That's a new thing for me, admitting that I not only need someone else but want them there too. So maybe all this therapy is working.

I've acquired a new hobby that I never knew I would be good at. I mean really at my age and finding out that not only am I fascinated by paint but that it's such a good outlet for me and I am good at it too. All inspired by a group session where we had to draw a picture of our feelings. Alex has been wonderful setting up a place in her home … erm I mean our home, for me to paint and another for me to sleep. When did I get so lucky, and what did I do to deserve her I have no idea but I won't look a gift horse in the mouth. I'm lucky and I want to enjoy this, whatever this is, for as long as I can.

Ah look at that, another negative thought. I can't wait for the day when I stop doing that. Stop looking at the good things in my life wondering when they are going to end and just sit back and enjoy it. After all even if it does end wouldn't have been better to appreciate each moment fully instead of with fear at the back of every thought. That's how I am trying to look at the world. That's the rose tinted glasses I am trying out because really what's the point of not enjoying as much life as I can. The only one hurt by that would be me and I refuse to hurt myself anymore. At least I am trying really hard not to be so self destructive.

Living with Alex is a new experience. I wish I could reach out more to her. But it feels like too much right now. Maybe it's just too soon. Either way it's frustrating because I love her so very much. I know she loves me and it's irritating to know that at the moment I can only touch her a little. It's like a tease because I feel uncomfortable the moment that a touch stays to long. In those arms I feel safe, and yet when my head gets in the way I have to distance myself a little. The alarm bells that blare loud are clear whenever I try to physically get closer. Even when everything is innocent all it takes is for my own diminished libido to throw some signals my way and just like that I go into retreat mode.

You can guess how inferior that makes me feel. I have the most gorgeous woman, inside and out and I can't even touch her how I want to without feeling like my skin is too tight with all the emotions just waiting to level me given the chance. That's ok though slowly I am starting to believe that this too will pass, gaining confidence that there will come a day when I can hold her without shadows between us. That is what I look forward to and that is now my goal. Finding my way to her has given me new drive one that fills me with something so foreign, hope.


	9. Chapter 9

~Olivia~

Dating…

I can't believe I am dating someone I live with. How odd is that? It makes me feel ridiculous when Alex "picks me up", obstinately insisting that I go into my room so she can knock on the door before we take off for parts unknown for the evening. I have always known that she is beautiful and charming, but who knew Cabot was a romantic at heart. She is always so careful of me though. As if any moment I might break on her and I cannot really fault her caution, even as it drives me up the wall. How consistent I have become with my inconsistency. That's all right though, that's part of the human condition I think, and I am learning to be okay with the quarks that make up Olivia Benson.

I still have my days when I feel I don't deserve to be happy, that I am not worthy of the good things in my life. Slowly, painfully slow in some times, those days are becoming fewer, interspaced with the days I am just content to be here. On my good days when I think on all the wonderful moments with her I would have missed out on I am grateful, so very grateful, that I am around to see them. Not to say that on my bad days I don't come to the conclusion that she would have been better off without me, but I challenge those thought now. I actively debate their merit, and after each trial the prosecutor in my mind (which oddly even sounds like Alex) usually wins the case with a resounding thumbs down on those destructive ideas.

Not to say that I don't still have challenges to overcome, one of the biggest is my fear of physical intimacy. Yes I do qualify the different types of intimacy for the simple fact of the matter is that in all other ways I am intimate with Alex. She knows me like no one else ever will at this point. I will never be able to open up this far to anyone else again, and that thought used to scare me. Now though it is a source of comfort. I can honestly say we are better for working through so much together. Yet when it comes to more physical contact I still get jittery. I want so badly to cross that line with her, and increasingly my body has been demanding for more. We've been working on it though. I constantly reach out to her and have become comfortable with holding her. It feels so good to have her arms around me while lying on the couch or to press my back into her while watching a sunset. Good contact. But oh how I burn for more. She is so beautiful it takes my breath away and lately that is all I have been able to think about.

I shouldn't be surprised by that my therapist said that as I am slowly emerging off my medications that I would return to a more health pattern, but she never told me I would be so frustrated that to even look at Alex is to feel an unstoppable desire well within me. I have never felt it so powerfully in my life and that ends up making me all the more skittish. Of what I am not even sure of anymore, I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to hurt me and I suppose the lack of self control I almost always feel around her anymore is at the root of the majority of the fear I feel. At least I want to think that's it and not that I am afraid that I might somehow forgot who I am with.

Ah, now I am getting somewhere. I can almost feel the parts of my being arguing over what to do with that information. I silence the chatter in my mind with a simple thought and determination is born. I now have a new goal for tonight. I am going to kiss Ms. Cabot tonight come hell or high water.

~Alex~

The last few months have really started to bring us together. She couldn't have given me a bigger invitation to her world with a gold plated key. We have talked more than I ever remember doing with anyone and as a result I can honestly say that the only one who knew me better was my mother. She is so lovely, so very beautiful that I can feel the tears behind my eyes when I look at her. I am so lucky to have been given this chance where I could have just as easily had none. I can't imagine all the wonderful days and nights I would have missed out on had she completed what she started that night. A world without her is one that makes me shudder to think about. Filled with ominous images of dark shadows that my life could have been made up as. For had I not been sure before I am now one hundred percent convinced that she was made for me and I for her.

The time we have spent together has been a revelation. I was always brought up to believe that you take precious care of the people important to you, that you cherish them fully while you have them. I lost sight of that which caused more than just my suffering. I will not forsake my upbringing again. Olivia is mine to care for and I plan to show as much forethought and genuine love that I can so she will never doubt her place in my life again.

It has been so hard to be patient, hard not to just reach out and grab her tight into my arms where I am convinced I can somehow keep her safe from the world. But she doesn't need to be wool wrapped against the harsher realities of life she needs to experience them and then bring it home to hopefully share with me. She is like a mythical creature singing a sirens song to my ears. My blood boils for her alone and I have had one hell of a time keeping it slow and steady. She is worth is every minute every moment of discomfort where I had to think about cleaning toilets to avoid getting swept away in my desire for her.

I love you Liv.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimers: I don't own SUV or the characters but the poem "Beast" is mine.

~Olivia~

Beautiful.

That is the only word I have to describe the night skyline, just amazingly beautiful. Alex's penthouse affords a view of the city that I have never before seen. The moon is out and full, hanging low in the sky. The night lights from all the buildings helped cast a glow that blanketed the city of my home. Casting dark shadows some would say but also bringing so much light and character to the surrounding structures. This is the time of evening I love the best. Too late for revelry and those who are intent on partying are already out in the night at their destination for the evening. New York is never quiet but there is a hum of energy at the right moment that speaks of the evenings possibilities.

There is no other place I would rather have been then right here right now, because she is here at my side. This evening has been the moment I have been waiting for. So full of anticipation and not a small amount of fear on my behalf because taking that first step is always the hardest. I know I am ready, I know she has been waiting ever so patiently and logically I shouldn't fell this niggling of trepidation that seems to be my own devil's way of warning me away from life. That sadistic little voice that used to scream in my ear has been reduced to quiet rumblings of discontent. I have learned not to listen. I have learned that when that self destructive imp is strong to challenge it and most of all I have wrestled it into submission so that I can live fully, freely and most important emotionally alive.

So I can say with assurance that I am so very ready, and I couldn't have asked for a better night setting. She is so beautiful standing here besides me, face lifted to the heavens and that twinkle in her eyes that lets me know she is just as moved as I. Slowly, I turn into her arms. Gently she folds me into her warmth, and as I take in the look in her eyes as she focuses on me I know I am so very fortunate. Hesitantly I lean up, arms cupping her neck and I shift my weight forward until my lips are just scant few centimeters from her. Her breath is sharp and a light pant is emitting from her mouth. I can see the pulse on her neck speed and lightly I press my lips into hers.

Once…

Twice…

Then I groan as I can no long hold myself back. Committing fully to the moment, pressing my mouth hotly over hers, claiming her wondrously soft lips with my own and the sensation is unlike anything I have ever felt before.

Hot, of course.

Wet, without a doubt.

But underneath all that is tenderness never before seen with a wealth and depth of feeling that I have previously never allowed myself to indulge in. She is magnificent, like a work of art, and I feel myself shatter and reform. Shifting the currents deep within me until they settle into a new pattern, forming a new design, a new picture out of the shadows of the old and I know. She is what I want, she has always been what I needed and now I am here with her.

Breathing is impossible, and I grasp a short breath before returning to that oh so moving mouth to drink at the fountain that is her. Losing myself too the moment, offering up all I am to her, knowing that here with her I am as safe and free as I could ever hope to be. I can feel time grow heavy with the purport of this moment. This space in time where I know that life irrevocability changed and I have changed with it.

Alex.

~The End~

"Beast"

Her eyes a wicked glint

Her lips a softly curl

And just when you think you know the steps to the dance

The beast is ready to rule.

_Thanks to everyone who read this story, and special thanks to those of you who actually reviewed. It was your comments that took this piece from a 2 chapter story to a 10 chapter with a happy ending. My deepest and most sincere thanks to Azure Adams who put up with all my insecure moments with my inane babbling of "Is this right????" it wouldn't have been the same without you!_


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